In 1985 I went to see my Doctor as I was totally depressed about my lack  of bust.

I had breastfed my children and I was only a 34A.

My problems were actually much deeper than this but it took me years to admit to myself that I was having marriage troubles.

My (now ex) husband was a violent, abusive, drunk. In my insecurity I thought if I looked better he would love me more and the abuse would stop.

These days I am truly saddened that I blamed myself but I was only 25 and wanted to be the perfect wife and mother.

My doctor sent me to a military hospital. I was ecstatic! They knew what they where talking about, right?

I had an appointment with a Wing Commander. He told me I was a classic example of a women with body issues and would make a perfect candidate for implants. I remember him saying to me,

You will be the only 70 year-old with pert breasts!

As you can imagine, I was thrilled.

On the day of the surgery I very nearly backed out. I often think back to that day and wish I had. So many years of pain could have been avoided.

I was in the hospital for 10 days. My incisions were cleaned daily and I was extremely well looked after. I can still remember the Wing Commander coming to see me.

He grabbed my breast and squeezed it as hard has he
could!

The pain was unbelievable! He then repeated it on the other side and told me this was to drain the blood.

I was very happy with my breasts for the next few years. It didn't help my marriage, though, and I divorced him.

The new me didn't stop the beatings.

After a while I met a lovely man who is my husband today.

He married me with four young children and we went on to have two more. I loved having babies and being a mum; my life was complete.

Then things started to go wrong.

The first things I noticed were pains in my arms and numbness in my upper lip. I also remember asking my mum if her head sort of cracked with a bang when she walked; she had no idea what I was talking about.

Things seemed to get progressively worse from there... numbness in my hands, dizziness when I was lying down, and my hands didn't grasp things properly. I had so many symptoms it's really difficult to remember them all.

Dizziness, numbness, irritable bowl, terrible menstrual pains, lung pains, leg pains, fatigue, sunlight sensitivity, noise sensitivity.  I had horrible memory loss,  and I felt terribly unwell.

I had no idea what was going on with me. I had rounds of hospital appointments, but the doctors never found anything wrong.

I was in the doctor's office yet again when I read a magazine article about a womean in Scotland who had had silicone lip injections. Her name is Margo Cameron, and she worked for years to raise awareness to the dangers of different implants. Click here to read some of the articles about her.

To my horror I recognized all the same symptoms as I had! I came straight home and rang Margo who was running a support group at the time.

The shock was unbelievable but worse was yet to come.

I spoke to her hundreds of times. She told me how I must get the implants removed en-bloc.

So, I went back to the Doctor, who sent me to hospital. I saw the top plastic surgeon at a London hospital who told me I had to wait nearly a year for the explant as it wasn't urgent!

I knew differently. I knew I would be dead if I waited that long so I went private and guess who I saw?

Yes, the same plastic surgeon that I had seen in London, but since I was paying I would be able to have my removal the next week.

There was one MAJOR problem though ~ I was pregnant, only just, but pregnant all the same.

I rang CATS in America and explained my situation. I felt like I was dying, and pregnant... what would happen to my baby? I spoke with another doctor in America, Professor Shanklin, who told me my baby could be born damaged and we discussed abortion.

I had six children... I loved my babies, what should I do?

Die, leave my children without a mum, have the baby (would it die or would it be born severely ill)?. The pain was unbearable.

I telephoned America so many times trying to find someone who would tell me my baby would be alright but nobody could.

This is also the time I began to realize my youngest two boys had been affected by silicone.

Both boys had stomach problems, one had had a fit when he was a year old but nobody knew why.

He was tested for meningitis but no cause was ever found. They had both undergone barium meals to try to find out the cause of the terrible sickness they suffered from, yet again nothing was found.

The realization that I HAD HURT MY BOYS was devastating.

I often contemplated suicide, but how could I leave them to suffer? They needed me, no one else would understand what was wrong with them.

Not only had I damaged my two youngest babies, I then had to make the agonizing decision to abort the baby I was carrying.

My husband and I spoke about it and the decision was made to have the abortion.

To this day it's the worst thing I have ever had to do and I still feel the need to explain again that I was so ill I didn't have a choice ( God forgive me).

I had the operation and then went back into hospital a few weeks later and had my implants removed. I think I was glad at how painful the explant was, it took away the pain I felt for what I had done to my baby and my boys.

I honestly don't know how I got through those dark days; the guilt will NEVER, NEVER leave me.

This really is a shortened version of what happened.

I pray that one day I will be healed of this silicone nightmare, but on the other hand I feel I deserve to still be ill all these years later for what I did to my children. I am 45, my boys are 12 and 13, my baby would be 10. I often dream that it was a girl; I would have named her Eleanor, my baby Ellie.

Were implants worth this?

I will let you make your mind up about that.

Sue